GLAMOROUS

(in advance sorry about the spelling, the spell check wasn't working)
Take a page from my book ladies, I'm going to let you in on a little secret of mine. I know that all of you are jealous of my posh life down here in South Beach. I am surrounded daily by beautiful plastic bodies that if you catch the baby oil sheen in the right light it will blind you from a few blocks away. Down here the men and women exclusively wear Prada, Gucci, Dior and Channel off runway fashions from the 2010 spring lines. Anything from 2009 just isn't acceptable. On the street one doesn't lower themselves to smile, because if you smile at a passerby your weak and you must not let the wealthy now your weak or they will feed on your bones. Its better not to make eye contact with anyone at all.


For some, South Beach might seem a hard place to fit in. Some of you might feel self-consious, intimidated, self loathing or passive. Or there could be numerous other emotions that you might feel if you are not up to par. Well...too bad for you then. And this is where the jeoulsy must come in because I blend in seemlessly down here. I am like a chameleon, no one would even remotely guess that I come from a po-dunk town on the brink of civilization, Portland. Everything I do down here is so effortless I thought I would help everyone out and give them some tips on GLAMOR. So here are 3 sure fire ways to up the glam so that you can have a perfect fusion.


GLAM tip #1:
When you go to your local cappaccino (always call it cappaccino even if you just want coffee. only poor people drink coffee) destination make sure when you leave everyone knows that you were there. Try lightly sprinkling the front of your attire so that when people walk by you they will see the sprinkling and say to themselves, "oh my gosh Tiffany just went to ____ and got a cappacinno, she is so glam I want to be just like her, I have to go get a cappacciono now too). The important part is to make sure you "sprinkle" yourself before you get out the door of the establishment and that it covers a good portion of your shirt. For example, here is just one of my many "sprinkling" moments that happened in starbucks on my morning walk with Curtis.





GLAM tip #2:
More then just diamonds or pearls on the ears. When you adorn your ears with diamonds or pearls people take notice, and they really take notice when the ice and clams are BIG. But there is a little secret that not many people know about, its what I like to refer to as "emerald ear." I'm not talking about an actual emerald but the green residue that gets transfered to the ear from the earing itself. Now you can't acheive the look of "emerald ear" if you pay a fortune for earrings, you can only get this high class look if you buy let's say, $1.50 pair of pearls from Claires. It's even more posh when you walk out of the house without your fake pearls on and forget you have your "emerald ear" on display. I don't do this too often because I think women get intimidated by how classy I really am.




GLAM tip #3:
Flaunt your assets. But you must do it in a way thats subtle. One way to acheive this is to wear possibly the tighest yoga pants you have and go for a walk. But what you put under the yoga pants is just as important. Make sure you wear full back cotton granny panties, because if you wear anything less, ie like a thong it looks like you can't afford the fabric for the rest of the undergarment. Then to top off your look make sure you tie a sweatshirt around your waist so that no one will actually see your fly ass with the gorgeous granny pantie lines. Like I said we want to be subtle and not flaunt, just knowing that its under there, enough said. I'll give you an example. The other morning when I was taking Curtis for a walk we were about a mile away from home when a massive wind storm blew in from the ocean and took us off guard. My poor little guy was just wearing a little t-shirt and shorts and goose bumps erupted over his whole body within seconds. I had a choice to make, do I cover my son with my sweatshirt exposing my fly ass or do I remain subtle and let my son freeze to death. I chose the latter, just kidding, I decided to flaunt the good for the mile walk home. I have decided not to post my glam picture due to the explicit content.
So there you have it ladies tips to becoming first class, high class!